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a thing i love about my dog is that he wont even consider starting his day until 11a, i come over to crate at like 8:30a and he just gives me a "you gotta be fuckin kidding me stare" then lays down and falls right back asleep

i am trying my hardest to stoke up to your stoke level on this

slightly disturbed by the fact that my electric heater doesn't respond to the on off switches anymore

man i made the tittens joke yesterday ?? all the days are just melding together

i want to set up my recording gear but the only place i enjoy the acoustics is in the living room and i hate having to tear everything down when i have company

only one more hour of daylight left gotta make it count *fires up ps4*

anyone dare me to boost a toot i'll fuckin do it i'm ready to show the world just how much of a wild card i really am

ok im' gonna dick around here for 16 minutes then i'm gonna force myself to do literally anything

my favorite all time butt word hands down has got to be rump

trying to take a break from contemplating my inner darkness by shifting gears to writing some absolutely killer shitposts but im not really feelin it

tfw you run into an old friend on a bus that you lost touch with and you get the distinct impression that they don't like you very much anymore because you're not great at staying in touch or communicating and are only making small talk with you because they don't want to seem rude

if you're gonna run a phone scam probably a good idea to do some research and make sure your number block doesn't include the UP

*phone rings, it's an escanaba number*

me: hello!

escanaba number: hi, is allen there?

me: oh, wow, you're calling from escanaba eh?

them: no, am i talking to allen?

me: well that's a hoot my phone says you're callin' from escanaba! i used to live right up the road from there!

them: i don't understand what you're saying sir, is this allen?

me: you're not one of those scammers are ya? says you're callin' from escanaba, lovely town, how much snow ya got?

them: *hangs up*

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